Scanstar's Weblog

i wish

scanstar — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:46:17 +0000

I wish

you realized the sky was really blue

no questions asked

no doubts

no maybes

what you see is really what you get

no lies

no secrets

no ulterior motives

I wish

you realized it’s okay to feel

sadness

hurt

fear

negativity forever erased in your world

smiles

happiness

love – pure, sweet

I wish

you loved me just a little…

all grown up…

scanstar — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 03:36:10 +0000

One of the worst feelings in the world comes when you realize your child isn’t a baby anymore. My Kimmy, my mimin, my Crystal Alexis isn’t a baby anymore. She no longer needs a sippy cup before she falls asleep. She sleeps in her “big girl” bed. She feeds herself. She says “paleta” and not “patata” anymore. My baby’s all grown up. So far she makes me proud. She speaks in almost complete sentences and uses grown up words. She’s never talked baby talk. She picks her clothes out sometimes. She loves to read and write…mostly on walls! I love her so much and there will never be enough words to express myself accurately.

none

scanstar — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:27:51 +0000

sometimes

especially when it’s late and i can’t sleep i

remember the sharks and how i used to

swim with them and i realize how much i

miss them

it’s probably not the marine life that i miss as

much as the arms that they were permanently

inked on

life

scanstar — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 09:28:24 +0000

I’ve spent a lot of time by myself the past few weeks. I used to consider myself married…common law of course because married in the court or by church is too scary. I guess I’m scared of commitment! Anyway, these days, I’m more like a single mother and my child’s father is more like a boyfriend that I see a couple of times a week. I do everything by myself. Normally, I would’ve welcomed it since I’ve always been so independent. Let me rephrase that. I’ve never been dependent on a man. My previous “boyfriends” had all been married…and I’m not ashamed to say that I chose them that way. Now, when I go more than a day without seeing him, I miss him and I get all emotional and stuff and I’m not even sure why. For Crystal’s first Halloween, he was at the bar drinking with his father and no matter how many times I called him, he wouldn’t come home so that I could take her trick-or-treating. She was only six weeks old and since I had had a c-section, my mom advised me not to go by myself “just in case.” Needless to say, by the time he came home it was too cold to take the baby out and I was just too bummed to go anyway so it was a disaster. Then last year, I had to work on Halloween because none of the jerks at at&t wanted to trade with me. Bastards. So I missed out on that. This year, however, I had the pleasure of taking her myself! It was amazing to see her so excited, running from house to house. She was so happy and I was happy too for a change but I won’t lie. I would’ve been happier if her dad had been with us. He claims he had a bad cold and was in bed but something in my gut tells me he wasn’t as sick as he wanted me to believe. But what can I expect from the man who missed his only daughter’s birth because he was “working?” It’s his loss. I missed out on so much when I was working and now I want to savor every moment with her. Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner and for the first time, I’m gonna be able to share the holiday season with her 100%. I want him to be a part of that. I don’t wanna beg him to go places with me. I don’t want people to have to ask me where he is cuz I’m always alone. He’s a part of me and I want him to do things with me. I want to feel like a family with him…